Times of India publishes a column on their online portal under the lifestyle section, where they request readers to send their queries with regards to concerns and guidance on relationships. The portal advertises the below note for all who could be facing troubles and need assistance from experts how to go about them.
Want expert queries for your relationship? Send us your query at firstname.lastname@example.org
On Sep 23, one such query, referred to by Anonymous, was published under the title:
My wife gets very violent during fights. Please help!
Question: I have been married for nearly 4 years and am going through the most difficult time of my life. My wife is extremely short-tempered and displays some irrational behaviour during our fights. We might have had almost 40-50 ugly fights during the course of our marriage and every time we fight, my wife starts creating a scene:
- She would shout at the top of her voice and also throws things
- There are times when she would hit or kick me and she also bangs her head on the wall
- There is no fixed trigger that makes her do that
- I have tried every possible way I can in my capacity to avoid fights but have failed
- I even chose not to respond sometimes, which will also trigger her
- She will say something abusive to which I will respond in a similar tone and then the chain of reaction starts
- She then loses her control and starts abusing, shouting, screaming, threatening
- I constantly try to calm her down but she continues doing the same for several hours
- I will listen to the abuses for 10 -15 minutes, trying to calm her down in between and then lose my control and respond with the same abuse she is hurling on me
Most of the incidents are followed by us living separately for a few days and then there would be discussions between the parents, finding out the faults, making promises for rectification and coming back together. When we are back, it always felt very good as she has a lot of good qualities when she is normal, that keeps me attracted to her. We have consulted multiple psychiatrists and also consulted multiple marital therapists but nothing helped. What do you think we should do?
- Whenever the point comes where we talk about divorce, she cries her eyes out and even threatens to destroy my life, put criminal case if I thought of leaving her
- And sometimes she begs me to stay with her as she loves me very much
- I am at the point where I am not able to make a decision
- I am too attached to her even after all this and question of divorce even shakes me down but then I also think of ruining my life over this stress and torture
- I really need help to make a decision
- Please suggest
Response by Dr. Soumiya Mudgal, Consultant Psychiatrist, Max Hospital:
Problems you two are facing in your marriage looks more of conflict of both of your differences in nature and expectations from marriage. It would be ideal to seek help at individual levels and work on self with the help of a counsellor. As it is obvious that in spite of all your differences you two are much in love, it would be ideal to do some soul searching and remediation.
- Firstly, we are not sure whether Times of India supports this view, wherein, a man who is facing domestic physical and verbal abuse has been advised to to some soul searching
- TOI has been a supporter of Gender Justice from both ends, and thus allowing such lose advice to a man who is already suffering, is in poor taste
- Imagine if the same article would have been titled “My Husband Gets Very Violent During Fights. Please Help! Would the Psychiatrist have given similar advice?
- The answer is an open NO, because when it comes to domestic violence against women, everyone comes together to raise their voice in her support
- Women are asked to immediately leave such an abusive man and step out of a bad marriage
- Harassed wives are encouraged to charge the man with criminal cases and also demand their financial rights in such scenarios
- However, when a man seeks advice after undergoing similar trauma, he has been merely asked to take it as “difference in natures” and “consult a counsellor”
- The counsellor completely gives a miss when the man is begging for advice against the threats of criminal complaints his wife is giving, if he even thinks of ending this harassment by divorce
- This exposes the sanctimony of outlook towards Harassment Against Women Vs Harassment Against Men
Of course the recommendations from Mudgal are subjective in her own right, however, we wish to call out this hypocrisy of society by applying completely diverse approaches when a woman goes through domestic violence Vs a man who is helpless in such offensive and insulting marriages.
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