Parental Alienation: From The Eyes Of 16-Year-Old

As a 16-year-old, I’ve experienced life in many ways, but nothing prepared me for the harsh reality of parental alienation. This issue became a part of my life through the painful experiences with my cousin sister, who has been cruelly separated by a system that often overlooks the emotional and psychological damage inflicted on children and their alienated parents.

I am an only child, and with no other cousins in Delhi, so my cousin sister was the closest thing I had to a sibling. She and I used to be together almost every Saturday and share stuff with each other, things which only siblings could understand, since she was only a year younger than me. I distinctly remember my first crush, I was nervous and unsure, but she was the first person I confided in. We were sitting in the colony park on the swings, and I told her about the girl I liked. She listened intently, her eyes sparkling with excitement and gave me advice, teased me a little, and promised to keep my secret safe. That moment of trust and camaraderie is something I cherish deeply, and a reminder of the bond we share(d).

A few years back, it came as a huge shock, when she altogether stopped coming to see me or pick up my phone or even return messages. I reached out to my uncle, her father, and that is when he told me that my sister had stated in court that she hated her father and that I used to completely ignore her, at times scold her and that she never wishes to see me again. I could see the trauma written large on my uncle’s face and although I was aware that my uncle was going through divorce, nothing prepared me for this repercussion. I had lost not just my sister and my confidant, but it was like the whole support structure had come crashing down, for my uncle had also descended into deep despair.

I reached out to psychologists, who though gave me a sympathetic ear, could not help me understand as to why & how a young 12-13 year old child would lie and suddenly break all contact with her brother and confidante. This is when I chanced upon a NGO (BambooTree Children’s Foundation) which works with children of separated parents, who first assured me that thousands of children go through this each year in India and introduced me to the concept of Parental Alienation. Parental alienation is a cruel phenomenon where one parent manipulates a child into rejecting the other parent. This psychological manipulation can be subtle or overt, but its effects are profound and long-lasting. In my cousin’s case, it was her mother’s influence that created a barrier between her and my uncle, which in turn got extended to my uncle’s entire family.

Parental alienation typically begins with one parent, known as the alienating parent, engages in behaviors designed to undermine the child’s relationship with the other parent, referred to as the targeted parent. These behaviors can include:

1. Bad-Mouthing: The alienating parent frequently speaks negatively about the targeted parent, often in the child’s presence, portraying them as unloving, unsafe, or unworthy of respect.
2. Limiting Contact: The alienating parent may create obstacles to the child’s communication and visitation with the targeted parent, such as not informing them about school events, changing the child’s schedules, or even moving to a different location.
3. False Allegations: In severe cases, the alienating parent may make false allegations of abuse or neglect against the targeted parent to justify limiting contact and to instill fear and mistrust in the child.
4. Emotional Manipulation: The alienating parent may use emotional manipulation, such as guilt or fear, to turn the child against the targeted parent. They might suggest that loving the other parent is a betrayal or that the targeted parent does not care about them.
5. Interrogation and Spying: The child may be interrogated about their time spent with the targeted parent or asked to spy on them, reinforcing the idea that the targeted parent is doing something wrong or untrustworthy.

Addressing parental alienation requires a multifaceted approach that involves legal, psychological, and social interventions:

1. Legal Reforms: From a pan-India survey that we conducted, I was aghast to learn that 4 out of 5 (79%) of children who are part of family courts lose one of their parent and not just a parent, but entire one half of family. Family courts being the first port of call for all divorcing / separating parents need to be not just more sensitive, but also better equipped to identify and address parental alienation. This includes training judges to recognize signs of alienation and implementing swift and decisive actions against non-compliance with visitation orders.
2. Mental Health Support: Both the alienated parent and the child may benefit from counseling with professionals trained in dealing with parental alienation. Therapists can work to rebuild the parent-child relationship and address the psychological impact of the alienation.
3. Mediation and Conflict Resolution: Early intervention through mediation can help prevent the escalation of conflict. Mediators trained in therapeutic family mediation can focus on the best interests of the child and work towards cooperative parenting arrangements.
4. Public Awareness and Education: Raising awareness about parental alienation is crucial. Schools, communities, and social services need to be informed about the signs and impacts of alienation, so they can support affected families effectively.
5. Support Networks: Establishing support groups for alienated parents can provide a platform for sharing experiences and strategies for coping with the emotional toll of alienation.

As I write this, I truly hope that no other child has to go through the devastating effects of parental alienation, like I and my sister have had to go through. It’s a heartbreaking experience that robs children of their right to love and be loved by both parents. Apart from the immense trauma that I, my uncle, my grandmother, my parents have gone through, I shudder to think about the pain that my sister must be going through. Parental Alienation doesn’t just destroy families, it in its extreme form has the potential of destroying societies / countries! As a society, we must recognize and combat parental alienation, ensuring that no child is ever forced to choose between parents and that every child has the opportunity to grow up surrounded by the love and support they deserve. I invite you all to learn more about Parental Alienation and join me in my mission to ensure that children realize their RIGHT to have a loving relationships with both parents, free from manipulation and deceit.

Author: Aarush Kapur

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