Domestic violence happens……..but domestic violence does not happen only to women. When a woman goes through abuse at home, we ask her to leave and move forward with a happier life. When a man goes through domestic harassment, we are prompt to remind him of his responsibilities, how he cannot just quit and leave!
Here’s one story from Bengaluru, Karnataka, where a man suffered abuses, taunts and now even physical beatings recently, post which he decided to file for divorce after nine years of hell within his home.
His Story
It was an arranged marriage in the year 2011. The couple was introduced and they met 2-3 times before marriage. Once they met with parents, once when they went to finalise the marriage hall and some conversations over the phone!
Raghu (Name Changed) who was then 30-years-old hailed from Coimbatore, but was based out of Bengaluru since many years. He worked as an IT Professional. Deesha (Name Changed) was 24-years then, lived with her parents, was working at a school, however left job by choice before her wedding. After marriage, she moved to the tech city and the journey of life commenced.
Raghu was a simple man, all he expected was to return home to a clean home, however, Deesha was on the other extreme, where she did not even bother to clean the mess if the maid skipped work on any day. There was a constant drift between the couple with regards to hygiene factor in the house.
Initially, Raghu lived with his elder brother and his wife. With two women in the same kitchen, things started becoming unpleasant. The other problem husband observed in his wife, was that she never respected anyone, did not care what others would say and did not even do basic household work, despite being idle at home. Due to this, Deesha kept herself busy picking up petty fights with with her sister-in-law and one day after a big showdown, Raghu and his brother decided to live separately. Raghu says,
I had no choice but to move out of the house. She was shouting all the time. My brother and I hence decided to live apart. I then rented an apartment near my office. Now the home was all to herself throughout the day, but she did not even care to overlook what the maid would do in her presence. I had to return once again in the dirty mess everyday.
1st Pregnancy
Deesha & Raghu were expecting their first child in 2012. She had a few complications during pregnancy, and thus Raghu would stay with her all day and go to work at 5pm to return by mid night. He says,
I used to work from home in morning, and my superiors agreed and understood my situation. I had requested my wife’s mother to come and stay with us but she refused. Later my mother came over so she could take care of Deesha.However, daily my wife would abuse my mother. One day she even reached out to attack my mom, however, my mother locked herself in the room. Deesha would be in a perpetual state of agitation and there was no limit to what she said…no limit to her abuses.Her parents knew everything, but they were not ready to understand. Only her mama (uncle) understood the situation. She just heard him but didnt listen to him either. My wife did not even respect her own family members. At last I had to leave my mother at brother’s place.
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Despite this, her anger was always at peak. Our gynec asked us if she could be sent to her maternal home for a few days to stay with her family. Raghu says,
To my shock, no one from her home was ready to come.Suddenly one day she said we are trying to kill her and she wanted to leave immediately. It was not easy for me to arrange any mode of transportation in the evening suddenly, I told her I was trying. However, she started throwing things at me.
In every relationship, parents play a huge role in guiding or misguiding their children. When Raghu wanted to take his father-in-law’s help in calming Deesha down, he said,
When I informed my father-in-law about my wife’s behaviour, he said how many days will your parents live! Better listen to my daughter if you want to live a happy life.
Later, Raghu accompanied Deesha so that he could safely drop her home for a few days. He quotes,
When we reached her native, her father was at the bus stop. She was carrying a big suitcase. The minute we got down, my father-in-law just said we will manage taking care of her, my daughter doesn’t need to go back.Her mother tried to intervene mutually, but no respite. I returned to Bengaluru. Deesha told me she will stay at her parents’ place for sometime. She was 3-months pregnant.
Drama Over Family Jewelry
During one of the annual festivals, all families had come together to celebrate the same. Raghu shares,
My mother has joint bank locker with my father. Our family jewellery of my mother, my wife and sister-in-law is always kept together. During our festival time, my mother will give their respective ornaments to all.However, this year (2012) the festival happened to fall on a bank holiday, so my mother couldn’t remove jewels from the bank. Her father immediately accused our family of stealing their jewellery. He started abusing me worst than someone from the roadside. Next day we decided to give her everything and leave.It is now that we decided to tell her family how this was going beyond a limit and they needed to decide what they wanted. Her family once again told me — you have to adjust with our daughter. Amidst all the fights and commotion, my wife herself slipped and fell down. Till today, she lies to kids how I had pushed her during pregnancy.
In 2013, a son was born to the couple.
Moving Ahead…
Raghu quotes,
Life was back to normal, now I had started cleaning the house along with the maid, however, Deesha would get angry at this too. One day the maid did not turn up and everything was in a mess. My wife did not do anything neither allowed me clean the mess.She was good with our son initially when he was young, however, when he turned 1.5 years old, she started keeping him away from me. Deesha used to get angry now with our son too. She would keep him unclean as well.
Through the fights life was moving on. In 2015, Deesha’s mother fell ill and Raghu donated his blood and paid for her expenses too. For few days, things were seeming fine and this is when Deesha became pregnant for the second time. According to the husband, wife did not show much emotions after second delivery. He says,
She would just hold our second child (daughter) without emotions. However, she was highly possessive of the child.
Behaviour of Children
Raghu shares how the abusive nature of his wife was reflecting upon his children as well. He says,
My son was 3-years-old and I started seeing him aping his mother. He would get angry, start howling and beating. When I consulted a specialist, the doctor advised us to take him to child psychiatrist. My wife abused me saying I was trying to prove our son was mad.
Wife’s Domination
Things were only getting tougher for the man and it had come to a point where he was not even allowed to speak with his parents. Raghu says,
I was not allowed to talk to my parents or family or friends ever. I would return from office early, thinking things will change. I tried taking her out with office friends, however, she would only enquire what I did at work.Once a colleague casually said how he didn’t work much but I ended up doing other people’s work too. My wife went crazy hearing this and did a showdown in front of my colleagues. This is when I decided not to take her out with them ever again.
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Adding further, husband says,
I never told anyone what i was going though, but my colleagues could understand how something was wrong. One day my colleague came home and she was throwing things at me, which is when he realised it was hell for me.
One could still overlook abusive situations on a daily basis. However, an incident in 2018, completely shook Raghu. He quotes,
In 2018, my dad met with an accident. I was the only son nearest to him. I informed Deesha that I had to go. She locked me in the room and did not permit me to even see my father who needed emergency help.She took out my mobile battery and kept it somewhere else. My daughter opened the door and somehow gave my mobile to me. I ran out to meet my dad. She started calling my colleagues saying how I left her and run away. My colleagues started calling me frantically.
Adding further, the helpless husband shares,
My brother was trying to reach me, she abused him too. We again informed her father, but he refused to say a word to her. Why is it that a father never finds his daughter wrong?
When the son was four and half years old, he once asked his dad,
Why did u marry mumma? Why didn’t you run away from marriage hall? He said lets take take our clothes, tell her we are going to laundry and then run away from home.
The father says the children had never seen any marriage in the family and he was shocked to hear his son speak about ‘marriage hall’. The impact on children due to mother’s abusive nature could now been seen. Raghu says,
My son would barely smile. My daughter would shout back, my son was more timid. But I used to stop my daughter from shouting back and respect her mother.My wife would brainwash them saying ur Appa would beat me when I was pregnant. My son started questioning me whether this was true. When u keep repeating the same lies to your children, they start believing it.When I call anyone, she would snatch my phone. If I stopped her, she would tell children see how your father is hitting me.
Raghu says he realised at this stage how his kids could be scarred for life if this continues and thus decided to live separately without judicial separation.
Husband Lives Out Of Home Yet Shoulders Responsibilities
In August 2018, Raghu started living separately and told Deesha he would provide for her, kids and the house. Husband would order everything online for a wife who had made his life hell. Nonetheless, Raghu was hopeful that the woman would miss him and realise her mistakes. However, he was shocked with her utter insensitive behaviour. He says,
I thought she will realise why he is living separately. I thought she will miss me. The day I left, next morning she messaged me and asked for a two wheeler. She took voice messages of my son, saying it is very painful for mumma…please buy her a scooter. She made them feel how I was not taking care of their mother. She made my children say, Appa u ran away leaving us.
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After this continued briefly, Raghu’s father-in-law came, got the house vacated and took Deesha and children with him to his native. However, they did not even bother to inform the man that they were leaving. It is only when the wife did not have money to pay the balance to the tempo owner, she sent him a picture of a loaded truck, asking Raghu to pay for the packers and movers.
Trying For Reconciliation
After some days, Raghu tried to reach out to Deesha yet again, asking her to meet him with kids somewhere outside….not at her home. The wife agreed to meet him and they stayed as a family 6kms away from her home. However, Deesha put a condition on Raghu that if he wished to continue meeting kids and her like this, he had to visit her home, fall onto her parents’ feet and say sorry. Raghu says,
I did it for my children. I told my wife I will do whatever she wants. I touched my in-laws’ feet and said sorry. I don’t know why I was saying sorry.
Deesha returned with Raghu with a new scooter as her gift. But there wasn’t much difference in her behaviour as she continued dominating and nagging her husband.
Husband’s Ailment
Raghu was suffering a minor knee problem and the doctor had advised him to take medicines for the moment. He was told it was a ligament issue but did not require immediate attention. After somedays, the father-in-law came to stay with them. Raghu says,
I was leaving for the office, he started abusing me, said he will send people to beat me. He got up and came to beat me. If I would react, I would be charged of some domestic violence case, so I just left. Her father said you can go and die somewhere, I will look after my daughter.
Once again I was living outside the home, and whenever I returned he was still in the house. I was paying every bill for his daily expenditure as well because he was living in my home.
March 2020 – Final Nail In The Relationship
When Raghu returned home in March, he decided that his staying out for his children was not helping them in anyway because his wife was just brainwashing them telling how their father ran away. After a spat once again, Deesha picked up a wooden cricket bat and hit Raghu on one knee. When she realised it was his other knee that had a problem, she hit hard with the bat on that knee. Raghu says,
I was in immense pain and went to the hospital on my own. After that I did not return home but went to my friend, Satish’s place.My google account was logged in, she happened to see my taxi booking and realised that I was living with my friend Satish. She went police station and filed a missing complaint against me. Though I was not even able to walk, I returned home.By now, I had become a joke for my children. My son started throwing things at me and shouting at me. He started enjoying all of this. If my daughter would talk to me, my son would beat her saying not to talk to Appa.
Raghu couldn’t take all this harassment anymore and somehow informed his brother to get him out. However, the brother told Raghu that being a man, if he was taking this issue out, it would be a matter of shame. He advised him not to go to the police. Raghu quotes,
My mother sent an email to Whitefield police station. The minute my wife learnt about this, she started beating me, took away my walker, pulled away my lungi. My son and daughter were just standing and laughing.
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When the police came home, Deesha locked Raghu inside the room and told them to go away. However, the police said they had to meet with the man once, since his mother had reached out to them. Raghu says,
After discussing the matter with me, the police just told my wife not to snatch my mobile or walker and infact asked me not to talk to my friend (Satish).Later the police left informing Raghu to come to the police station if he wanted to officially register any complaint.
On getting the next possible chance, Raghu escaped from home on pretext of visiting the hospital. He made a video narrating his ordeal and uploaded the same on social media. This is when men’s rights activists tagged Bengaluru police online demanding for urgent intervention.
Later, a lady constable visited Raghu’s home and ensured that he took all his luggage and left for his parent’s place to Coimbatore. According to Raghu, his wife abused the police constable as well and infact told her how she wanted to file a harassment complaint against Raghu. He says,
However, this time the police did not listen to Deesha, and asked me to leave.
Parting words from a harassed husband and a concerned father….
I am now in my parents’ home. I am worried for my children. My wife never taught them any manners or paid attention to their education. I am distressed that they should not grow up becoming like her. I can’t stay with her anymore, will file for divorce and help my children to live away from her.I kept quite all through because of my children, but them being with her is impacting them more. They are not learning anything good. Just getting wrongly influenced.
In times where we have movies like Thappad, we also have a Raghu’s story. Most married men in India live through domestic abuse — largely because of gender biased laws that heavily favour wives or because the fear of losing child custody is way bigger than undergoing an abusive marital relationship.
In our opinion, Raghu has taken the right step, choosing to live his life away from a domestic abuser. While one can always say he should have done it much earlier, reality can be totally different than giving a mere practical advice.
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http://voiceformenindia.com/his-story/false-498a-cases-senior-citizen/
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